I used to think that "free range parenting" was extreme. I used to think that free range parents opened the door in the morning to let the kids go out and had no idea where they were until they returned home in the evening. I used to think that free range parents were crazy.
This is from the free range kids website: "Do you ever...let your kid ride a bike to the library? Walk to school? Make dinner? Or are you thinking about it? If so, you are raising a Free-Range Kid! Free-Rangers believe in helmets, car seats, seat belts — safety! We just do NOT believe that every time school age kids go outside, they need a security detail."
Out of curiosity, I borrowed the book, Free Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy from the library. Page after page, it all made sense. This is not extreme parenting or neglect, this is about teaching your children to care for themselves, gain independence, and be safe. This is also about trusting your children enough to give them some freedom. We cannot control every aspect of the lives of our children. So many of us are trying to do that, and that is why we find parenting so much more difficult than generations before us.
There are a few things in this book that really resonated with me:
- Not every little thing you do has that much impact on your child's development
- Crimes against children are plummeting; this is not a more dangerous country than it was when we were kids. Sensationalism in the media is leading us to believe that it is. (One example: There is no evidence that any child has ever been killed or hurt by a contaminated trick or treat candy. Yet, we all think that there were people poisoning candy and sticking razor blades in apples. MYTHS.) According to this book, crime has returned to the levels of the early seventies.
- Organized activities are not a substitute for free play
- Unsupervised playgrounds are the norm in other countries
- Do not tell your children not to talk to strangers; tell them not to "go off with strangers". Otherwise, they may be afraid to ask a stranger for help in an emergency situation.
This book is helping me realize that I do not have to be a supermom, and I don't have to feel guilty about it either. Don't get me wrong, I love to do things with my children and provide wonderful experiences for them. That will never change. I will still do all of the fun things I do now, but I would also like to give my children some freedom to explore things on their own once in a while. I do not want to hover over them and lead them to believe that I don't trust them or believe they can succeed without me. The problem is that there are books and websites and lots of other information telling us that we have to do everything just right or our children will fail. Well guess what? Everyone experiences failure and I cannot prevent that experience (nor should I want to) from happening to my children.
At the end of every chapter in the book, there are free range baby steps. One example is to let your school-age child go into a public bathroom alone while you wait outside. There is also an A-Z guide of everything you may be worried about; this list includes BPA, internet predators, halloween candy, etc. and there is some great information that can help you relax a bit.
I do not claim to be a free range parent. Like I said, I am a worrier and occasionally I am overprotective, but after reading this book, I am realizing that it is important to let our children have some independence. I'm working on it!
*I was not compensated in any way for this blog post. I did not even receive a copy of the book (though, I would love one!); I borrowed the book from the library.
10 comments:
great post! def. going to have to check this one out! i agree that as they get older, we have to give them tools and strategies to keep themselves safe. keeping them in a bubble is not the way to raise a child of the world. so, i'm learning...
Good for you Christy! I think you might also enjoy reading GRACE-BASED PARENTING by Tim Kimmell. He addresses the control issues a lot and it's been eye opening for me. :)
This sounds especially appropriate for school aged kids. Something I have done recently is allow M outside on the swingset by herself. She is only three, and is not allowed to be elsewhere by herself, but that is my big step for letting go a bit.
I'm not sure crime is actually the same as it was thirty years ago, but I agree that much is hyped.
This is a fantastic post! I love the whole idea! I think I live right in the middle. But I plan to order the book and see where I really am! thanks for this!
I am glad that others suffer from MOMMY GUILT! I have to tell myself all the time...we don't have to do everything...and they will be fin! =)
I know from watching your blog, that you are a Wonderful mom!!!
This is a very timely post. I also struggle a lot with my desire to control things and my desire to raise an independent and confident child. We live in a very safe area where children play by themselves in the street quite a bit - there is usually some level of supervision from older kids and neighbors. I was unwilling to let Anna join them yet, and at the same time wanting her to make friends. Obviously, I also have to learn to let go a lot more than I am doing today. I have to look for this book in the library too.
I'm so agreeing! I let my kids play in our yard alone all the time. I don't know how people have time to follow their kids around all day to keep them safe (which I realize is an extreme that most parentd do not go to). I even let my almost six year old ride her bike to the end of the street by herself (we are the last house on our side and only two houses on the other side). We love our neighborhood - there are tons of young families and grandparents on our street, and everyone watches out for each other. It sounds to me like the book makes a lot of valid points :)
I was just going to suggest Grace Based Parenting, but I see that another reader beat me to the punch. I am currently reading this book for my church small group and it resonates with me. I think I may be a bit of free range parent in that I let my girls play outside of our condo with little supervision and there are hours in our day where they are told to "use imaginations and find something fun & safe to do". I guess, for me, it's just natural because this is pretty much what my parents did with us kids and we all turned out pretty darn well. I may have to read the book for myself...in fact, I think I'll put it on hold right now. Thanks for the review. :o)
I agree with a lot of this. As a teacher, I see the results of kids who have not been given the freedom to play and learn independently. I like the idea of telling kids not to go off with strangers, rather than not to talk to them. I do question where she is getting her data about crime. I also wonder if crimes against children are really plummeting, is it because parents are keeping such a tight hold on them? Just a thought.
I read this book earlier this year, even though I am TOTALLY NOT a Free-Range Parent. I'm a nervous nelly hovering first time mom, but I learned so much from this book. I may not take all the steps from the book, but I'm trying to use some of those baby steps you mentioned: Letting my child play in our child proofed upstairs playroom unsupervised for a few minutes, going right down to the water next to the lake instead of staying on the sidewalk 20 feet away (we never would have seen those tiny frogs and tadpoles otherwise!!). I'ts still a struggle, but there is some great info in this book!!
It sounds like I need to read this book. I too am a worry wart, and while I think I am growing, there is a lot more room for growth too!
My son is just starting Kindergarten, so I want to read this book before he's in 4th grade and I'm still taking him to the bathroom!!
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