Hand Prints

Kate's hand print on the dishwasher.

As much as I grumble about constantly cleaning the stainless steel appliances because they are covered in hand prints, I know that one day they will be shiny and clean all the time and my heart will be a tiny bit sad that those little hands are no longer little, and no longer leaving behind little prints for me to wipe clean.  

Cinderella Ate My Daughter (do you have some time because this is a long post)

After reading the post about this book at Almost Unschoolers, and reading all of the comments on that post, I had to read the book for myself.

If you have not heard of the book, Peggy Orenstein, the mother of a daughter, sets out to discover whether princesses, Hannah Montana, and all things pink and girly are destroying the self-esteem and well-being of the little girls of the world. 

I did learn a few interesting things from this book.  For one thing, did you know that when nursery colors were first introduced, pink used to be considered a masculine color and girls were often dressed in blue because it was associated with the Virgin Mary and also symbolized constancy, faithfulness, and femininity (think Alice in Wonderland, Cinderella, and Dorothy)?  I also learned about how the huge Disney princess craze came about.

Honestly though, I rolled my eyes more often than not while reading this book.  I consider the author to be an alarmist and alarmists give me a headache.  Furthermore, have you read the title of this blog?  We are big fans of princesses in our house.  I don't think they lead to eating disorders, perfection issues, or anything remotely sexual.  I think there is a big difference between playing dress up and performing in beauty pageants.  I have no interest in enrolling my daughter in beauty pageants, but she can dress up like a princess at home whenever she wants and I am not the least bit concerned that it will harm her in any way.  I also don't think superheroes teach boys that violence is acceptable, and I am happy to let my children play with toy guns.  I have plenty of friends who do not let their children play with toy guns and that is their choice, but I often see their boys turning everything else into guns so what is the point of banning the toy?

Back to the book...and the whole concept of princesses somehow harming our children.  Again, I know people who do not let their children have any princess items.  Their reasoning is that the children somehow get hooked on the notion that they have to be perfect and that their sole purpose in life is to find Prince Charming and get married.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm....let me tell you that I have very vivid memories of being a young girl and dreaming about getting married and having beautiful children and a beautiful house.  I don't remember having any princess toys though, and I certainly didn't have princess dresses or tiaras.  Why can't little girls pretend to be something they think is just wonderful?  I played "house" a lot as a kid - was it bad that I dreamed about being a grown up and having children?  PUHLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!  Give me a break.  What should I want my children to play - corporate executives?  What is wrong with fairy tales and happily ever after?  Don't we, as adults, still hope and dream that we will live happily ever after?  I know I do.  How many adults do you know that got all wrapped up in the royal wedding?  Should we worry about those adults? 

We try to keep our children young.  Our daughter is not allowed to get her ears pierced yet or dress like a teenager.  There will be no two piece bathing suits around here.  Our television has not seen the likes of iCarly or Hannah Montana because R is just five and I think the shows are too mature for her.  I know plenty of people who let their young daughters watch these shows and that is their choice, but it is not right for my daughter.  On the other hand, I think princesses are just right for her, and I don't think her Barbie dolls will cause her to have body image issues.  I only mention my daughter in this paragraph because it doesn't seem that little boys try to be older than they are; it is definitely more of an issue for girls.

That is the key, what is right for your family?  What do you want your children to believe?  Nothing else matters really.  Just because I don't want my daughter in a two piece bathing suit, doesn't mean it is wrong for your daughter.  What is right for me, is not necessarily right for you, and if only we could get past that notion, the world would be a much better place.  

Speaking of that, I am going off on another tangent for a minute.  It used to be that working mothers were criticized, and it seems to me that the tables have turned a bit.  Please don't think I am criticizing working mothers - I used to be one and I know plenty of working mothers who manage to work and take care of their children.  But, lately, I find that people are criticizing my choice to stay home with my children.  They ask questions like:  How can you stand to be home all day?  Don't you worry that your children aren't learning independence?  Don't you think that the projects and activities you do with your children prevent them from learning to play on their own?  (so annoying, as if I sit and occupy my children all day long, but I get that A LOT), and here is the one that BUGS ME THE MOST --- WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILDREN GROW UP?  Why this is any of their concern, I do not know, but people (lots of people) have asked me that question.  They must worry that my children will grow up and I will wither away, alone without anything to do all day.  So, right now I am going to tell you that I LOVE TO be a mom and I LOVE to stay home with my children.  This does not make me lazy, and it certainly does not mean that I am not willing to work!!!!!!!!!!  I am very fortunate to be able to stay home with my children.  I can bring them to school, I can go to their soccer and basketball games, I can take them to practices, and I can cook their meals and wash their clothes.  I also love being able to take care of my husband (gasp, did I really say that I like to take care of him?  Feminists around the world are already planning an intervention).  I don't claim to be the best mother or the best wife, but I love that I am able to do my best for my family and I really don't think I should be criticized for that.  I love Donna Reed and June Cleaver, and I'm happy to put on my apron and pearls and go about my day. 

In summary (finally, right?) and back to the premise behind the book, I think children need positive role models in their lives.  If a child has parents that are obsessed with perfection and body image, most likely the child will grow up with those same obsessions.  We try to encourage our children to lead healthy lives.  We certainly eat our share of sweets, but we also emphasize the importance of healthy foods.  Exercise is important in our house too.  Our children will ride their bicycles, play sports, and spend a good amount of time running around outside.  That is not negotiable.  If while running around outside, they want to play superheroes and princesses, well then that is just wonderful and I am not the least bit concerned about it.

Someday

Someday, I will hang hand towels in the bathroom and they will stay neat and clean for more than a few minutes.

Someday, I will not find globs of toothpaste in the sink.

Someday, there will be no whining in my house.

Someday, there will be no toys strewn about for me to trip over.

Someday, my house will stay clean.

Someday, there will be no fingerprints on the appliances or crayon marks on the walls.

Someday, I will not have mountains of laundry.

Someday, I will sleep through the night with only my husband beside me.

Some days I complain about the messes, but today I am trying to remember that someday I will miss these days.

Free Range Kids

I used to think that "free range parenting" was extreme.  I used to think that free range parents opened the door in the morning to let the kids go out and had no idea where they were until they returned home in the evening.  I used to think that free range parents were crazy.

This is from the free range kids website:   "Do you ever...let your kid ride a bike to the library? Walk to school? Make dinner? Or are you thinking about it? If so, you are raising a Free-Range Kid! Free-Rangers believe in helmets, car seats, seat belts — safety! We just do NOT believe that every time school age kids go outside, they need a security detail."

Out of curiosity, I borrowed the book, Free Range Kids by  Lenore Skenazy from the library.  Page after page, it all made sense.  This is not extreme  parenting or neglect, this is about teaching your children to care for themselves, gain independence, and be safe.  This is also about trusting your children enough to give them some freedom.  We cannot control every aspect of the lives of our children.  So many of us are trying to do that, and that is why we find parenting so much more difficult than generations before us.

There are a few things in this book that really resonated with me:

• Not every little thing you do has that much impact on your child's development
• Crimes against children are plummeting; this is not a more dangerous country than it was when we were kids.  Sensationalism in the media is leading us to believe that it is.  (One example:  There is no evidence that any child has ever been killed or hurt by a contaminated trick or treat candy.  Yet, we all think that there were people poisoning candy and sticking razor blades in apples.  MYTHS.)  According to this book, crime has returned to the levels of the early seventies.
• Organized activities are not a substitute for free play
• Unsupervised playgrounds are the norm in other countries
• Do not tell your children not to talk to strangers; tell them not to "go off with strangers".  Otherwise, they may be afraid to ask a stranger for help in an emergency situation.

If you know me, either from reading some of my more personal blog posts or you actually know me in person, then you know that I am a worrier.  I do not want anything bad to happen to my children; I want to protect them from any and all evils.  Reading this book, has made me realize that I need to relax.  I am not God.  I cannot control everything that happens to my children, and I am only doing them a disservice if I do not let them try and learn.

This book is helping me realize that I do not have to be a supermom, and I don't have to feel guilty about it either.  Don't get me wrong, I love to do things with my children and provide wonderful experiences for them.  That will never change.  I will still do all of the fun things I do now, but I would also like to give my children some freedom to explore things on their own once in a while.  I do not want to hover over them and lead them to believe that I don't trust them or believe they can succeed without me.  The problem is that there are books and websites and lots of other information telling us that we have to do everything just right or our children will fail.  Well guess what?  Everyone experiences failure and I cannot prevent that experience (nor should I want to) from happening to my children.

At the end of every chapter in the book, there are free range baby steps.  One example is to let your school-age child go into a public bathroom alone while you wait outside.  There is also an A-Z guide of everything you may be worried about; this list includes BPA, internet predators, halloween candy, etc. and there is some great information that can help you relax a bit.

I do not claim to be a free range parent.  Like I said, I am a worrier and occasionally I am overprotective, but after reading this book, I am realizing that it is important to let our children have some independence.  I'm working on it!

*I was not compensated in any way for this blog post.  I did not even receive a copy of the book (though, I would love one!); I borrowed the book from the library.

Just a Mommy

A while ago I read an article about a woman who hated the fact that her children saw her as "just a mommy". She wanted them to see her as something more than that. I understand where she is coming from, but I am content with my children seeing me as "just a mommy". When people criticize me for going above and beyond for my children, for teaching my children, for hugging them when they cry, for giving them all of the energy I have, for making three different dinners at one mealtime, for checking on them in the middle of the night, for letting them sleep with me when they are afraid, for tying their shoes, for worrying about little things, for crying when they head off to school........I take it as a compliment.

I have had titles. I can place the word Esquire at the end of my name. I have a license to practice law. Do you think my children care about that? No. They care that I am the person who rocked them to sleep, watched their first steps, heard their first words. They take comfort in the fact that I watch their soccer games and read them bedtime stories.

My oldest child is twelve. It all happened so fast. There are no second chances or do overs. I am not claiming to be the best mommy, or even a great mommy, I simply want to be the best mommy I can be and I strive to be a better mommy every single day. So, if my children see me as "just a mommy," I will smile and proudly claim the title.

It worked!

C and R don't nap regularly, and I don't expect them too. I read a lot of blogs, however, in which there is mention of rest time. I started asking the bloggers about their rest time and realized that it is something badly needed in my own house.

C and R are usually awake by 7:00 every morning, and after lunch they start to fall apart. The fighting and whining intensifies and I find myself getting angry and YELLING (shhh, don't tell) too often.

A few days ago, I told them we would have rest time after lunch. I explained that it was not a punishment but just time for them to enjoy alone in their rooms with books, toys, puzzles, or whatever. The only rule is that they have to spend the time alone and they have to be fairly quiet. On the first day, they went kicking and screaming and I was not optimistic. Rest time only lasted fifteen minutes.

Day two they asked if they would be having rest time again and then went willingly. I was ecstatic, but then they started to complain after only five minutes. I was almost ready to throw in the towel on rest time! When they realized I was not succumbing to the whining, however, they stopped and stayed in their rooms. The house was so peaceful, and they got the down time that they really need.

There was hardly any whining on day three and the entire hour of rest time passed uneventfully. It is now part of our routine.

We have only made it through three days, but each day is a bit easier. I'm sure there will be days that are difficult when no one wants to rest, or when we have to miss rest time but at least we have a plan to keep the grouchies to a minimum and keep Mommy sane! Rest time is working, and there is a lot less crying and yelling going on.

If you want to read a great post about rest time, click here and visit Teach Mama. Look around while you are there; she has a great blog with fantastic ideas for teaching your children and the most wonderful parenting tips and tricks! I want to implement all of her quick tricks in my house!